Well, this is not a blog entry with some great exciting news. In fact, I feel like complaining, and Nate's already heard it a million times. So, I will make this my blah blog entry, instead of my brag blog. Read on only if you dare. It's not going to be pretty.
So, I live in a real nice place. I have everything I dreamed of. Why can't I be happy today? I have a cold, I haven't slept well the last several nights. My stomach hurts. I want to go out and do something important, and exciting. A doctor? A lawyer? A reasearch scientist? I can't stop tearing up, and the tears keep coming. Many would say, go get drugs. Others would have no patience. I am one with no patience with myself. I do most things in life because I think I should. I am good at grinding my teeth, feeling guilty, and getting to work to get something done. I am surrounded every day by three little balls of energy that go and go and go. They never stop to whine or complain, except to me. Nate is also like the kids. He can go and go and go. In fact he stayed up all night last night working on work. He usually doesn't eat breakfast or lunch. I am starving all day. He gets to be thin and in shape. I exercise every day without fail, and am more round than I would like. Anyway, blah, blah, blah. This is how some days are. Even though my blog makes it sound like everything is great all the time, I really lie. I do have everything I wanted, but I still want more. I want to be more, and do more, and see more. I get mad at myself for this. Maybe that's why I read so much. I always want to learn more and experience more. Anyway, I look up to so many of you. You all seem to have it together to me. I can't get myself to call anyone and say "how do you do it?" So, I struggle inside and know that eventually, like my Dad says, this too shall pass. I guess the good out of feeling so badly, is that someday Emily or someone else will say, "how did you do it?" And I'll be honest and say, some days I didn't.
10 comments:
Hey Jen,
Sorry you are feeling bummed! I thankfully haven't had the "stuck in my beautiful life" feelings for awhile. What worked for me over the long run is a career change and taking up jogging. Jogging may be easier to take up than the career change... Don't know how much that advice helps, but I also know that it always helps me to have people thinking about and caring about me. So if nothing else take this from my post: I am thinking about you and hoping you get out of this funk as quick as possible! But also know that feeling funky is OK every once in awhile.
Lots of Love,
Justin
Jen! I hear you loud and clear! I, too, feel the same way fairly regularly. For the first few years after Kate and Bryan were born, all we did was "survive." Last year when they went to preschool (hooray for preschool) I was finally able to sit... and then I was able to get out and do stuff for me! This year they won't be going to preschool. We're going to "play" for a year before they get sucked in the school system. Anyway, I hear you. And, what is it with these guys? Jaysen's as fit as a fiddle and I'm the one who goes to the gym every morning. So unfair!
Like you said, usually you have a "brag blog". And from what you read about everyone else, they have the same bragging going on too. Well, perspective is everything, my friend. We all have days like you, and feelings like you. We're just not honest enough to document it in a blog! You are an amazing person, and from what I've seen through your posts, and amazing mother, who is great at keeping up with her three little ones! You are the only person I have ever met who was more determined and focused than you. I don't know anyone else who knew that what the missionaries were telling her at the age of 14 was true like you did. I have always admired you for that. I'm sorry that its been a bummer of a few days, but just know that you are wonderful, and sometimes it just helps to have a good cry. Love you!
Jeannie
Ok, so now I admire you for being brave enough to put your crappy feelings on your blog. You always make me happy. I nearly peed my pants reading your last reply to my blog. We really need to get together more often, or at least talk on the phone. Call me anytime, if I don't answer, it's not because I am ignoring you, it is because I am at the beach during the winter!!!
Ah, I'm too chicken to write about when I feel depressed on my blog. But I totally know what you mean. It's like, I know raising kids is worth it, but sometimes I just want to tell everyone to go away and leave me alone for a day (or maybe just feed themselves and not make any dirty laundry). But then I'm like, "OK, say you did have all day -- what would you do differently?". I'd probably just read books or play video games all day, which wouldn't really help.
Last time I felt this way, I prayed for help, and then I had a huge trial to face that really made me renew my relationship with God and depend on Him. So I don't know which is "better" -- big trials that make you increase your faith, or small ones that are just hard to endure -- but I do know that God knows just what we need and is always there. Sometimes, even knowing that, though, we still feel depressed.
So we are having dinner on Wednesday-I can't wait. The post vacation blahs took you long enough!!! I suppose you weren't coming back to ash everywhere, half a kitchen and smoke. Mom and I talked the day after we got back and were both in the midst.So now I'm too busy to stop, but boy a road trip to see a cute puppy sounds like a great idea to me! I hate feeling like you described because I feel so ungrateful and then I feel worse about myself, but remember who wants you to feel like that and who loves you more than anything. Heavenly Father and Cris!!!!! I can't keep my tiny house clean with three kids and your mansion is amazingly clean and organized. I envy your ability to do that and how you make it possible to stay home with your sweethearts while I selfishly go to work. Sometimes weekends are so long!!! Brianna thinks you the best sewer on the planet and Colby says your spagetti rocks!!!! We are off to church so I'd better go. We love you and will see you soon!
Jen,
Your doing great. I've always looked up to you because you find the things that are worthwile and put priorities there and though I know it probably sucks in a way a lot of times with having a bunch of adorable though they are energy filled and dependent children to take care of I think you do awesome and I would love to have a lot of the things you've set up in your family someday too, though I know I won't have it near as good I hope to have some of that If or when I have children, I know just having a puppy and older stepdaughter over (who are both not that hard and really awesome) for one week well plus a period and trying to diet almost made me loose it and question wether I really wanted to have my own children or run away from what I have now, but I know I do, I have a lot of selfish time now still but it's emptier, If that makes any sense I don't know, but it's true. Family and having loved ones is really what lifes about and helps keep me sane though in away makes me more insane...:). Take half a day for yourself though going to the pool with you helped a bunch, just get a babysitter or I will come over and go to pineview and read or a spa or whatever a lecture or something do that once a month. Have you time. I wouldn't worry so much about the physical either you eat just as healthy as most and if people think you eat junk all day you don't I know I feel the same with that in a way I just can't loose what I want for anything because every time I try we go on a trip and I break it or what not but I am as happy or more now then I was in college when I was 40-50 pounds lighter and I try and exercise and eat well still but then It was always on my mind and I was a little unhealthy with it so It wasn't worth that at all to be thinner Ok I'm going off and making this really long but I think just try and be healthy accept the things you can't change and change the things you can. I think the big diets are unrealistic for me and won't work with our lifestyle anymore, so I'm going to try another small change for along time..like last time I gave up basically fried food for 6 months chips and fries and things that I don't really enjoy that much anyhow and only lost a few pounds but I feel healthier and eat those a lot less wich is a positive change weather it shows up enough or not and maybe I'm going to try not snacking as I prepare or clean up food, or eating slower this time. I would reccomend a small realistic change for the healthier but you are doing great really. Don't worry about fitting into any premolded image we're all different and beutifull in our own ways. Emily is thin and with societys values now will have it a little easier and she's beautifull but not anymore then you and times have appreciated different things but most all of us have our positive and negative there, I asked Thain once what attracts him in women in general and he said bigger hips so there you go, not all men like the beanpole look anyhow, so don't go looking to fit into anyone elses ideal or things just find what fits and flatters you! All those things will just go to pot anyhow adventually There's a good quote from David O. McKay on the back of our announcment today that's great it says "And what is the crowning glory of man in this earth so far as his individual achievement is concerned? It is character-character developed through obedience to the laws of life as revealed through the gospel of Jesus Christ, who came that we might have life and have it more abundantly. Man's chief concern in life should not be the acquiring of gold nor fame nor material possessions. It should not be the development of physical prowess nor of intellectual strength, but his aim, the highest in life, should be the develpment of Christlike character. David O McKay.
Sorry this is really long but it's true all the other things are emptier because helping others and having people to love and love us is really the best things ever. Anyhow sorry I just I know how you feel even for all I know sometimes I just can't help feeling bad about things at times. Your awesome though and doing great. Hope your trip has been fun, I'd love to do something soon with you too though when you get back :). Your a great sis and I appreciate you!
Love you!
Jill
JEN- It's always nice to know other people are human. :) So many people admire you, as shown in your responses. Well, I am one of those people, too. I remember so many fun times in good old Alaska. You are an amazing person. And I have to tell you, I am tearing up right now just because now I know that I am not alone in this world. I have had the hardest time for the last month- since baby number four. Emotionally it has been very draining. Not because of the baby, but because of the other three boys who are sucking life out of me. It feels like one step forward, five steps back. But like my mom said, it seems like everyone else in the WORLD has their lives put together. The truth is, they have just as many challenges as I do. I want you to know, that you are not alone. And that when life gets tough and rough and youre ready to throw in the towel, I'll be here hanging on if you will! WE CAN DO THIS. It's it great that we have a Savior who is there for us. Always. I am so glad I can pour my heart out to someone who really cares and understands and CAN help. I love my friend's blog- her motto is "I can do hard things." I have been rememberng it a lot lately. Her third boy has down syndrome and her husband was just called as bishop. I can't imagine! So even with all my problems, I guess I'm glad I have them and not someone elses! Love you and thanks for your blog. It makes me smile when I have time to get online and look around. You're a great person and do so many wonderful things- think about the poitive thing in life and write them in a gratitude journal! Hey, maybe I will too!
Glad you guys got to stop by on your "Spur of the moment" whirlwind tour.
I have to say, when we first moved to Portland, I cried everyday. I have to say this was the hardest move I've made in my life yet, also one of the happiest times, I was fresh out of grad school, recently married, basking in wedding presents and great summer memories. However, I cried and cried and ate lots of ice cream. I agree with what Justin said, exercise has always been a way for me to clear my head and "get happy." Everyone goes through their own life "funks" but they always end at some point. Just know that everyone else out there that looks like they have it all together, has their "life funks" too. Hope your little trip put the blah's at bay!
Thinking about you!
You see who I choose to show you.
In truth, the "me" that people don't see is a Mean Mommy Monster, a mess hater, a yeller, a pooped out someone who needs a time out at LEAST once a day and who rarely gets to do what *I* want to do. When it's time to take some me time, I have no idea what to do with myself, and the entire time I'm doing it, all I can think about is my job at home that goes undone while I'm away. Who wants to take a break when it means even more work than if you hadn't taken a break in the first place?!
You're not alone in the trenches. I'm with you, friend. Being a career mom is like any other job--there are things we love and things we hate about our daily duties. It is UNlike any other job because career moms figuratively write the EXACT SAME MEMO over and over and over again all day every day until the nest is empty. Laundry doesn't change, dishes don't change, bathrooms don't change... THE SAME MEMO EVERY DAY!!!
It's what we want to be doing, but most of the time it's not very fun.
Can you tell I'm ready for school to start? ;-)
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